Psalms says that as we delight in Him, He gives us desires. He puts wants and passions in our heart that line up with His Will. The more we take genuine delight in God, the more we can follow our heart. But if we follow our heart before delighting in Him, it’ll lead us into places God never intended us to go.
I don’t think that, when they told me I was bipolar, they mentioned how inconsistently driven I would become. For instance, one day, I’m working on a book explaining the theological impact of the Apostles Creed, then I’m adding two more feet to my 150ft long art project; another week I’m blasting through homework and attending classes on the dime, and the next I’m lying flat on my face as if I was hit by a bus and am still trying to get my bearings.
I don’t think they anticipated the impact this disorder had for me personally. Not that I blame them, I mean they’ve been a huge source of support…but it’s hard to keep social ties when the game is always changing. I told my boyfriend we could hang out, suddenly I’m having a Manic Episode and we spend the night on the phone while my mind breaks down into non-linear branches.
I don’t think I was meant to have a social life beyond friends for some time. He says I’m a water element, that I thrive on change. My mind moving and adapting constantly..while my body decays. Understanding that I don’t think my Astrophysical endeavours are more important that love, but if I don’t work on this now, the ideas will be gone…I’m surprised they survived that last six years.
I don’t think that one coping mechanism is enough. I’ve found that different states of mind require different means of coping. Obvious right? Well when you take into account that there are things that become impossible for me to do, given a certain mood, this becomes more than common sense…it becomes survival, especially if eating is on the list of impossibilities.
I don’t think being non-linear is a bad thing as long as entropy isn’t involved, but it always is. My desk is subject to this madness on a regular basis.
I don’t know what God was thinking when he crafted me. I wish I did, but at the same time, He’s laid it out in the Bible. The Holy Spirit is always there for me…I guess I just want to find another human who won’t screw me over…my own body is failing me and my mind is doing what it can to keep me together, but I need God’s help…and maybe companionship while He takes care of me.
I don’t think. I’m too theoretical for that but…Schopenhauer was right…
I picked up a sheet of paper
50 yards long
150 feet of pure nothingness waiting for me to create.
I was nervous, what if I make a mistake that ruins the whole thing?
What if someone messes with it?
I locked my door every time I left, even just going to the bathroom.
I wanted it to be perfect. I wanted it to be complete.
I picked up a sheet of paper
150 feet long
A blank expanse all my own
I was scared, laying down the first few lines,
just hoping it was right
Double checking over and over again
It has to be perfect.
…three days later, I had a 1ft complete
I was still scared…
..You stopped by that day, and asked me what was wrong..
..I told You
and this is what You said:
I picked up nothingness
I held in my hands all that could be and all that will be
I began to speak into it
Bringing to life all the things you see today
I wasn’t nervous
I wasn’t scared
I was confident
I wanted it to be perfect
I knew that what I made would turn from me some day
much like you fear you may make a mistake,
But I knew that what I made was good
In this moment, here and now
It is good and I will always love it
No matter what shape it is
No matter what happens to it.
I kept creating
I keep creating
Psalm 139: 13-16
Who needs morning texts from a boyfriend when you get morning emails from your grandmother, telling you how much she and your grandfather love you and how proud they are of the woman you’ve become. I think I’m the real winner here and…idk where I’d be without my grandparents!My thoughts for today
"UAF 93" written on every pair of shoes;
I decide not to take the easy route to class
Call it foolish or exercise
or both, I find we all have those opinions.
This isn’t the first time a grandparent has called
asking me why I wasn’t with my friends
on some prerecorded date;
I shrug, they never tell me they want to see me
so I never go.
I pass so many people on the way to and from
the destinations I choose for myself
and I never look at them longer
than it takes me to adjust my glasses
I don’t want to catch anything.
Bees don’t annoy me but
I tend to look like that lost freshman
walking past the Apiary and fighting off a bee or two.
Yes, I’ll eat pizza on Friday.
How come they see the anxiety
In the corners of my mouth
and not the soldier fighting for her life
echoed in every footstep I take…
Maybe I need a uniform like the rest of them
take up arms and stand beside
all of the men and women who never cease
to inspire me
make me feel like I belong…
Reaching out to
the Marine who saved my life
He always sends me letters
Always takes the time to make sure I’m ok
Always tells me he’s coming home..
I always tell myself
that one day
one day, I’ll find my Marine
but it’s been a year now…
I know he’s dead but it’s ok.
I’ll fight with him in my heart.
Remember me tonight
When you fall asleep…
Aftertaste wasn’t the proper word for it
Neither was lingering sadness,
Regret, or even post-break-up blues
…I’m starting to think
The word I’m looking for
Is somewhere beyond the pages
Of Oxford, Webster
And those other stuffy know it alls.
The word I’m looking for is
More of a sound
Muffled by pillows
And that third round of ice cream.
I think the word I’m looking for is
The sound of
Spoon on bowl
Pillow against bed
Shoes against floor
And heart against wall.
Who says that its better to have loved and lost?
Look at all the me-time I get!
'If he truly loves you and wants to be with you, he'll tell you'. That's what they're saying a lot nowadays. Luckily for me, the One who loves me wrote a 66 chapter book outlining why he loves me and why he wants me to be with him eternally
Shaken to the core I stare yet further
Past the open scars in the foundations of my eyes
Past the holes in the walls of my mind
Past the tears in the fabric of my heart
Past the words strung together like the hanging noose
I stare at everything
Back and forth my eyes dart
Am I this
Is this right
Is this wrong
I stare at Him
And He calms me down,
Slowly He picks up the pieces and hands them to me
Do I want me back together…
Do I really want to see what I look like
Through my eyes
What they didn’t realize is that when God planned you out, he decided to make the Queen of Badassery, now you just need to be that Queen because God has done a fantastic job. You just need to see it from His perspective.Licky Icicle, from Blahtherapy, you’re the best venting buddy ever. thank you so much and God bless!
When she said that, it confused me at first
I thought we were talking about my
I thought we were trying to find
A solution in this mess
But she said it confidently
And I wondered what that had to do
She said it again, confidently,
She told me how to kill a frog.
"What does this have to do with breaking up?"
She laughed, “Sorry I should finish:
If you put a frog in boiling water, it will jump out,
But if you put a frog in cool water
And slowly increase the temperature,
It will stay there until it dies.”
I was still confused
She said it again, then added,
"If you rush it, it’s bound to go wrong,
But if you take the time and talk to him,
Maybe you can convince him of something.”
Maybe I’ll convince him to kill a frog
and..maybe break up with me.
I have a lot actually, but these are my top fav: danieltoumine, tdlauber, wildflowerkfield8, humansofnewyork, peterdwebb, laughingsquid, raincium, and thegreatwaldeezy
thanks for the ask!